Dear Love -

You haven't so much asked my sister and me a question as written a position statement on the morality of open marriage, polyamory, and casual sex, and asked us to validate it. You have also raised the question of one's right to judge the choices and ethics of another. For that matter, whatever happened to the idea of actually keeping one's private life private? The simplest answer would be to tell your friend that you don't want to hear what she's doing or with whom. But assuming that isn't going to happen, let's discuss the issues you raised.

Both you and your friend are right, and both of you are wrong. You've made different choices, and that's fine. What is not fine is for either of you to judge the other for those choices. There are certainly things that are immoral - anything that does harm to another or to one's self. "An it harm none, do as thou wilt." While you say you fear the harm your friend might have done or may do, you couch your concern in terms of moral disapproval.

That isn't to say that you don't raise valid concerns about your friend's behavior; taking multiple partners in this era of AIDS and drug-resistant diseases is extremely risky and I've seen many couples who thought polyamory sounded good in theory but who have been unable to deal with it in practice. Relationships are complicated enough when only two people are involved; more people adds complexity exponentially. But none of that makes a poly relationship immoral, nor gives anyone outside the relationship the right to judge whether it is moral. By the same token, your friend is wrong to deride you for choosing a traditional expression of commitment.
That we do not judge others proceeds directly from the Wiccan Rede; non-judgmental acceptance is at the heart of Paganism. I presume your friend has used the line from the Charge of the Goddess "all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals" to justify her choice. It certainly can be used that way, but to imply that this passage is only concerned with sex is remarkably narrow-minded. It is as much an act of worship to work in my garden, bake bread, play with my child, or spend time with my friends as it is to share sexual intimacy.

Wicca teaches us that each of us is responsible for the consequences of our own choices. You don't have to like what she's doing, but it is her choice. You say, "There's more to adulthood that getting laid." That's a value judgment, and a valid one, but so is hers. All you can really do, as a friend, is to say "I am concerned for your health and for your marriage" and then be there if she needs you. Your friend is wrong to put you down for believing that and acting on your belief. But if you want me to say that it's acceptable for you to condemn the choices your friend and her husband have made for themselves, then you will be waiting for a long time.

Dear Louisville:

Does polyamory work? Rarely. Most of the time (in my experience) it rips people apart in ways that make The Texas Chainsaw Massacre look like a Disney film. Does the fact that I've seen the carnage more times than I can count give me the right to pass judgment on someone's choice to try it for themselves? Nope.

The trouble with Righteous Indignation is that it's rarely righteous. Unless your friend is actually asking for your advice, you don't have any more business telling her how to run her bedroom than the government does. If she wants to regale you with her latest exploits, you have every right to tell her to shut the bleep up, but seriously, who died and made you Kali?

You're right; to the disappointment of many wannabes, Wicca isn't about sex; it's about religion. Being Pagan doesn't make you promiscuous any more than being black makes you a basketball star. It does tend to mean you have fewer Puritan hangups, so you're likely to be around people who aren't afraid to talk about their sexuality. But "An it harm none, do as thou wilt" works both ways. Your friend doesn't get to force her lifestyle on you and you don't get to force yours on her. Be happy with who you are, with the decisions you've made about your own sexuality. Nobody else really cares, and if they do, that's their issue, not yours.

In the long run, the only moral dilemma you have any hope of solving is internal; namely what shadow in your own psyche has you up in arms over this, and why? You say adulthood is about more than getting laid. Sounds like you're stuck being more of a responsible adult than you'd like. Maybe it's the endless monotony of Monday through Friday tedium, bills to pay, and no more summer vacation. Maybe it is sexual, despite your claims to the contrary. You are certainly skirting the bounds of "protesting too much." Wishing you'd lived it up a bit more before becoming an old married lady?

Whatever your issue is, deal with it. Stop pointing out what you consider the dark parts of your friend's characters and deal with your own unplumbed depths. Otherwise, I promise you, this will not be the last relationship of yours that ends up in jeopardy.