Queer Magic: Coming Out as Initiation a
Coming out of the closet was the most intense initiation I've ever experienced.
I've undergone a variety of initiations ranging from traditional witchcraft rituals to initiations into covens to Reiki attunement and shamanic journeys. But coming out as gay was the most magical because it wasn't planned or prepared for. I didn't get a chance to agree to it in advance but simply had to deal with this frightening and exciting time as it came.

What is initiation? Many people use the word, but its meaning isn't always clear. Initiation rituals usually denote an experience that sets one apart from others, or an experience that brings one into a larger group. Some examples include initiations into magical traditions, or into fraternities, sororities, or other social groups. They can be the rites of passage, such as the Catholic sacraments of First Communion or Confirmation. Sometimes an initiation it is a test to pass before entering a new rank, such as the test for attaining a new "belt" in the martial arts. It is meant to be an outer manifestation of an inner process, rather than simply an act or experience that is transformative in and of itself.

Traditional Wiccan initiations have an air of mystery and even fear that put off many modern eclectic practitioners. Rituals of being bound, blindfolded, lightly whipped, surprised by loud bells or challenged with a sword have specific purposes common to most initiatory processes, although the specific manifestations differ. The fear and sense of the unknown created by these actions are intended to separate the initiate from their old life, old self image and bring them into a new sense of reality and identity. There are many ways to create this sense of division, but without it, there is not the same sense of transformation.

So what does this have to do with being queer and coming out of the closet? Everything. Coming out of the closet is a chance for both personal and magical transformation of the most significant kind, though few understand and take full advantage of this opportunity.

Coming out marks an entry into a new level of sexual awareness, maturity and responsibility. It is a coming of age ritual for gay people, regardless of their chronological age. More importantly, coming out can also echo the shaman's magical initiation, coming into magical power.

On the shaman's path, power and awareness comes in two ways. The first is training with a shaman, learning the arts of healing, ritual and magick, and reaching a point of "graduation" to a competent level. The second, which sometimes runs concurrently with the first, is a personal initiation, called by the spirits. In such initiations, the would-be shaman has some type of dramatic experience that marks him or her as radically different from most others. Most common is an experience of extended sickness, often including a fever or coma, that sends the soul out into the unseen realms. There the spirits of ancestors, animals, plants and gods teach the new shaman the secrets of healing and magick. In many of these initiations, the shaman undergoes a trial by fire, meeting the gods of the underworld. In this test, the would-be shaman must experience the darkness of life through his or her greatest fears, the shadow self or a death and resurrection. The point of such trials is to identify with the soul, with the energy of self, rather than the package and the labels and names the tribe gives. Identity goes beyond good and evil, male and female, alive and dead. When the new student identifies with the infinite, there is success. If the initiate survives the experience physically and spiritually, he or she returns as a shaman. Often another older and experienced shaman is called to help the one in sickness, and will train the new shaman more upon returning from the spirit journey.

In essence, the new shaman is having what we call today an NDE, or Near Death Experience. Modern people often claim to enter a tunnel of light after an incident of trauma, illness, accident or surgery. There they visit with relatives who have died, and are told to return to the world. Such people frequently return with a sense of self, renewed spirituality and lack a fear of death. They share their story with friends and family, spreading their sense of assurance and spiritual tranquility. It seems to me that the tribal shamans have a very similar experience: but they stay longer in the "other" world, and learn more while they are there.

In both cases, the person involved experiences a strong sense of division, from the old life, old identity, and old fears. He or she comes back changed, very different from his or her past self. Most would agree the changes are for the better, empowering the individual in new ways, enabling him or her to reach beyond the mundane and limited, drawing from the spiritual world and bringing it into day to day life. This division, and hopefully the subsequent empowerment, is exactly what happens when you come out of the closet.

The first step in the process is coming out to yourself. Many queer people don't consciously acknowledge the fact they are gay. Either they don't understand the concept, or simply repress it because they feel that the conscious knowledge of their identity would be too much to bear. Some queer people know of their "difference" from a very young age, while others experience a much slower realization. The coming out process is different with everyone, but the first step is internal. This self-knowledge of oneself as gay leads to the realization that one is different from others; even if one remains closeted and tries to conceal the fact or ignore/downplay the differences, they are still there.

The second stage is public: the process of sharing your new identity with others. This is an opportunity to move more honestly and freely in the world, share more of yourself with others and redefine your identity, freeing you from past assumptions and misconceptions. For some, this public process is dramatic and traumatic. Others feel that it is "no big deal" and are very quiet about it.

Once again, this process echoes that of a shamanic or magical initiation. No one knows what new knowledge the shaman has returned with, and the shaman must explain the changes that she or he has undergone and then goes about the process of transforming identity and relationships within the tribe based on her/his special knowledge. Shamans often have a place of honor in society, but live separately from the rest of the tribe. Their greater awareness of themselves and the world sometimes leads to depression or mood swings. The shaman has confronted fears, claimed power and received a new identity, but must still integrate this knowledge in a way that is useful not only to self, but to society. Only then is the initiation truly complete.

Gay people go through the same integration process. The major difference is that in tribal societies, the role of the shaman is accepted, while understanding and acceptance of gay people is, to a greater or lesser extent, lacking in the modern world. Evidence exists that ancient cultures honored queer people, gays, lesbians and transgendered folk as sacred, believing that they embodied a balance of male and female energies. This blend of energy gave (and still gives) them a unique role, ripe with opportunity to view the world through magical eyes, and gay people were often honored as potential healers and wisdom keepers. But our modern stories usually lack such a positive spiritual framework.

My personal experience is no exception to this rule. I was raised as a Roman Catholic, and attended Catholic school for thirteen years. Although I was aware from a young age that I wasn't like other boys, it was in only when I reached high school that I really came to the conscious thought "I am gay." Being gay was not accepted by my school, church, family and by extension, my God. I believed that being gay was tantamount to being evil. Over those difficult years of discovery, I struggled with my Shadow Self: all the things I didn't like about myself and wanted to repress. I learned painfully to differentiate my own feelings from what society projected on me.

Becoming a Witch helped a great deal in this process. My study of the Craft gave me a sense of self-confidence and self-love that I needed for the process of becoming known publicly as a queer person. (In fact, I came out of the broom closet as a Witch before I came out publicly as a gay man.) I was blessed with teachers that knew the history of sacred queer people in the ancient world.

In Witchcraft, I learned all magick is a choice. I could choose to create a life out of misery, pity and anger, or I could choose to create a life out of love, happiness and self-esteem. In all these struggles I experienced an initiation, through which I claimed personal power and identity, shedding my fears, doubts and shame. Through my study of the Craft, a tradition that honors the unique blend of energy of my people, I learned spiritual and magical power to transform my life.

Coming out is powerful because there is little or no training for it. There are no classes, few books and often, no one to talk to. Like a lone shaman experiencing his first transformative illness, I found myself in my own version of the Underworld. I didn't agree to it, choose it, or seek for it. I was simply called, like shamans called by the spirits. I could have chosen to ignore that call or to embrace it. I chose to embrace it and can't imagine my life in any other way.

Christopher Penczak is the author of Spirit Allies: Meet Your Team from the Other Side and City Magick: Urban Rituals, Spells and Shamanism (Red Wheel/Weiser). He is an author, healer and teacher in the New England area and is working on a book entitled Gay Witchcraft. Email him at torcboy@aol.com or see his site at http://www.christopherpenczak.com.